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darlin

another horse-y joke

we've all heard variations of this


Horse Sellers' Terms and What They REALLY Mean....

* Big Trot: can't canter within a 2 mile straightaway.
* Nicely Started: we can lunge him, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.
* Top Show Horse: won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane.
* Home Bred: knows nothing except being raised on the front porch.
* Recently Vetted: someone else found something badly wrong with the horse.
* Big Boned: good thing horse has mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow.
* Doing Courses: when tranquilized to the eyeballs & lunged 6 hrs. straight before hand.
* Well Mannered: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
* Professionally Trained: hasn't stepped, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month.
* Should Mature 16 hands: currently 13h, dam is 14.3hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this horse will definitely defy his DNA.
* To Good Home Only: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth, 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night, 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document.
* Bold: runaway.
* Athletic: He's a runaway, but he looks good doing it.
* Needs intermediate rider: runaway.
* Needs Experienced Rider: "dead" runaway.
* Dead Quiet: just dead.
* Started O/F: Started overfeeding because we can't ride.
* No Vices: especially when he wears his muzzle.
* Light Cribber: we can't afford to build any more barns & fences for the "buzz saw".
* No Time For Him: he's lucky to be fed.
* Excellent Disposition: never been out of his stall.
* Clips, hauls, and loads: Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he hauls ass across the parking lot when you try to load him.
* Great Halter Prospect: Bred for beauty, not for brains.
* Selling due to divorce: My spouse certainly couldn't stand him.
* Bomb Proof: So dumb you could set off a bomb under his tail and he wouldn't blink.
* Good Mother: She's too dumb to do anything else.
* He Can Do It All: bite, kick, buck, rear.
* Flashy: nice looking... forget about him being ridable.
* Stunning: you'll be stunned at his kicking power.
* Very Brave: even a whip can't force him back.
* Slight Case Of Navicular: better buy him before he's too lame to walk.
* Proven Sire: The mare we bred him to had a baby.
* Lots of Potential: Under the right circumstances, you might be able to ride him.
* Great Bloodlines: He can't do anything, but that's okay because some horse 20 generations back did something.
* Already Broke: two fences, one arm, six buckets.
* Got Cow Sense: he'll attack any cattle within a 5-mile radius.
* Unregistered: probably stolen.
* Protective Mother: don't even think about going near the foal.
* Lady's Horse: Perfectly sweet with women, but will kill men.
* Good Disposition: The only good thing about him.
* Selling Due to Retirement: he's making us old.
* Started Good: we quit while we were ahead.
* Started: we quit while we were still alive.
* Loud Color: we spray painted him bright red.
* Really Broke: literally.
* Slight Nervous Habit: he shakes and has muscles tics anytime anyone asks him to think.
* Great Stud: breeding is the only thing he's good at.
* Anyone Can Ride: as long as they have the right protective gear, they will survive.
* Smooth: you won't notice he's bucking until you're on the ground!
* Event Prospect: Big, Fast Horse.
* Dressage Prospect: Big, Slow Horse.
* Hack Prospect: Pretty Color.
* Sporting Prospect: Short, Fast Horse.
* Camp Prospect: Fast Horse that can turn.
* Endurance Prospect: Fast Horse that will turn, sometimes.
* Flashy: White Socks
* Attractive: Bay
* 15.2hh: 14.3hh
* 16.2hh: 15.3hh
* To Loving Home Only: Expensive.
* To Show Home Only: Very Expensive.
* Needs Experienced Rider: Potentially Lethal.
* Elegant: Thin.
* In Good Condition: Foundered.
* Free Moving: Bolts.
* Quiet: Lame in Both Front Legs.
* Dead Quiet: Lame in All Four Legs.
* Good in Traffic (Bombproof): Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind.
* Loves Children: Kicks and Bites.
* Pony Type: Small and Hairy.
* Arab Type: Looks startled.
* TB Type: Looks Terrified.
* Quarter Horse Type: Chunky.
* Halter Horse Type: Fat.
* Warmblood Type: Big and Hairy.
* Draught Type: Big and Exceedingly Hairy.
* Easy to Catch: Very Old.
* Must Sell: Wife has left home and taking kids.
* All Offers Considered: I am in Traction for 6 months.
* Good Jumper prospect: Looks great jumping over the pasture fence, if you can ever catch him, you might just have yourself a great jumper!

Comments

Too funny.....any suggestions for a bitter? My little stallion is a biter beyond bitters. He's been that way since he was born.